Most of life is out of our control. We have no sway over the weather, we can’t dictate how people treat us, and we can’t guarantee the outcomes of our actions. If you wish things made sense or were less chaotic, like I often do, the overwhelming number of things outside our control may frustrate you.

Perhaps we plan a day trip to the mountains but get rained out. Or a dead car battery derails our plans. We may have done everything right, but we don’t get the dream job we applied for. Someone says something unkind to us, a meeting at work doesn’t go our way, or someone gives us bad news. Whatever the scenario, the uncontrollable always finds us, and we can do little to avoid or alter it. 

Bad news, threatening situations, or disappointments put us on edge and make our lives harder. If we let them get to us, it’s possible to develop a negative outlook that makes our experience of life worse. A pervasive negative outlook can feel like a cloud of bad luck and animosity following us wherever we go, robbing us of opportunities to be joyful. When we’re the recipients of a steady (or torrential) flow of bad outcomes that are outside our control, it’s normal to get angry or take things personally. But, does it really make sense to?

Why get angry with the wind or the rain? Will our anger change the weather? Will anger help us in any way? Why spend the energy required to take things personally? Doing so will only make it seem like the world is out to get us. Usually, no one and nothing is targeting us specifically. Indeed, harmful forces exist, and sometimes we find ourselves in their cross-hairs, but it’s rarely personal. Most people are far more concerned with themselves than with others and may hurt us when they are selfish or careless, but it’s usually nothing more insidious than that. Ultimately, we can’t control what others do or say, and we won’t get much out of ruminating on their actions. Trying to determine the intent of non-human forces is even worse because nature, luck, and disease cannot even take notice of us.

If we let go of trying to determine why something out of our control happened, we reclaim our autonomy and move toward responding to the event.  We can’t change what happened or make outside forces change how they interact with us. The only thing we can control is our response to events. It isn’t always easy, but it’s possible!

Even if our lives are a mess and things seem terrible, we always have the opportunity to choose what we do next. Outside events will happen to us, our emotions and thoughts will rear up in response, and then we choose what we do next. The more we pause after something happens to us and choose to respond in the best way we know, the more we align with our best selves. We can make situations better by choosing better reactions. We can’t change the stimulus, but we can impact what happens next. Rather than feeling attacked, we can brush off an insult and go about our day. Rather than cursing the rain, we can change our plans. Rather than caving in a pressure-filled situation, we can stand firm and attempt to de-escalate things.

I feel better about life when I focus on what I can control. When it feels like everything is against me and I’m overwhelmed by the chaos of many uncontrollables coming at me, I remind myself to let them do what they will and try my best to respond appropriately. I don’t want to overreact when emotionally charged, so I tend to underreact to avoid doing something foolish. Then, once my feelings have stabilized, I choose my reaction.

By not trying to control or judge uncontrollables, I simplify my life. I try not to complain when something bad happens. I don’t ask, “Why me?” Instead, I narrow my vision and ask, “Now, what will I do?” This way of thinking works for me and helps me focus on action instead of self-pity or conspiracy. When I’m stressed or on the receiving end of something challenging, I like to repeat to myself, “Control the controllables, control the controllables, control the controllables.” This self-talk keeps me from obsessing about the things I cannot change.

Controlling the controllables reminds me of the Serenity Prayer:

God, 

grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,

courage to change the things I can,

and wisdom to know the difference.

I think we can live better lives if we remember the Serenity Prayer or the simple advice to “control the controllables.”

There are many uncontrollables but only one controllable–what we do about what happens to us. Good luck choosing an empowered response the next time something difficult comes up! I’ll be trying to do the same.